The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, "FUCK YOU! Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?!

I was on the street. This guy waved to me and he came up to me and said “I’m sorry, i thought you were someone alse.” And I said “Yes, I am.”

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff.'

Trump wants to move into the White House. Why not? It would't be the first time you pushed a black family out of their home.

Immer wieder behauptete Unwahrheiten werden nicht zu Wahrheiten, sondern was schlimmer ist, zu Gewohnheiten.

Ich habe meinen Briefkastenschlüssel verlegt. Mein Vermieter hat aber sofort regiert und mir einen Neuen geschickt. Per Post.

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

Comedian der alten Schule. Geboren 1921 und mit satten 83 Jahren von uns gegangen.